No One seemed to comment on my last post about a picture

And I have been sick with various uninteresting ailments, having nothing to do with Bi-Polar, but of course everything connects to it in some way. If you have a cold and cannot sleep, your poor husband worries you might be getting manic. And his concern is justified if it keeps up for a while, but meanwhile the worry just feels like a burden and makes one feel guilty for the pain you cause him.

I'm going to put up a picture anyway and see what happens. If people cannot believe there is such a thing as a fully functioning person with Bi-Polar disorder I will just have to beg to differ with them. It bugs me not to show my face.

God bless you faithful friends! Love always, EDB.

What's Happening so far on Twitter

I've gotten a few friends since I've found myself here on twitter, but no one who is not in the same shoes as I -- battling some kind of mental disorder or illness-- if you prefer is very interested in talking about it. This surprises me immensely. I am here to try to open the dialogue and yet no one wants to talk. Perhaps it is because I am not giving out a photo of myself but rather trying to do this somewhat anonymously. Only because of my online business am I trying to protect my personal life a tiny bit and perhaps that is unnecessary and futile. I would appreciate anyone's comments on this dilema. Maybe I am overreacting to a stigma that is no longer there. Maybe I am correct to be cautious. I don't really know. The fact that I am highly functioning and my illness is pretty much a secret, yet I have so much to share of what I have learned to get this way over the past 30 some years compels me to share with people who have this sometimes traumatic and always stubborn illness. I would like to keep the lines of communication open for anyone who wants to talk...please share with me what I need to do to generate some dialogue. Thanks friends!

Highly Functioning with Bipolar

{Myth: People with bipolar disorder can’t get better or lead a normal life. Fact: Many people with bipolar disorder have successful careers, happy family lives, and satisfying relationships. Living with bipolar disorder is challenging. But with treatment, healthy coping skills, and a solid support system, you can live fully while managing your symptoms. I found this on the blog Journey2Balance, from NIMH and thought it so aptly described my life, I wanted to post it here as well.}
Fortunately I have all of the components in the above description going for me which is probably why I have lived with this for so many years very few people know that I have it. I have a great support system in my immediate family and my husband and daughter now that she's grown. I have always worked. God blessed me with an have an even-keeled disposition -- being bipolar doesn't mean you're moody. And most importantly my faith in my Heavenly Father helps me maintain an inner balance. I would have to say there is something else mentioned above that I am quite adamant about: managing symptoms: I always take my medications and work closely with my doctor, taking responsibility with him for my care. It's my body and I can sense when it's starting to go out of balance, I immediately call my doctor to discuss possibly tweaking of medications --and I have been at this for 33 years! I had the same doctor for 20 years. He taught me to listen to my body and ask for help immediately without letting mania or depression take their ugly grasp on me before getting help. I have become pretty adept at it. I thank God for it. It's a gift I treasure!

My Son Was Lost to Me

It was very hard on me to lose my son, though I knew on a very deep level I would see him again in Heaven some day. On my most depressed days I wanted to speed up my journey there and take matters into my own hands. One night in particular I was very low. I was lying in my hospital bed and I fell asleep. I dreamed that dream where you are falling and they say if you land in the dream you will die. I remember falling and thinking "no I'm not ready, I want to be well, I don't want to die!" Usually around then I will wake up, but I didn't I kept falling farther and farther into the darkness until I landed. I didn't die, instead I felt myself surrounded by the most profound love I have ever felt. The love of God surrounded me completely from the top to the bottom of the lowest abyss. I realized I was awake and was having the most profound experience of my life. I knew from that day forward that it is true as the Psalmist says in Psalm 139, God is there at the top and the bottom and surrounds us with His wonderful love in every experience. He never leaves us or forsakes us. From that moment onward I began to get better and reclaim my life!

In The Beginning

When I was first diagnosed I was very very ill. My son David was nine and a half months old and had severe heart defects. My marriage had just broken up and I had moved into a new apartment (we'd been living with my mother at the time.) I had a good job, my aunt was taking care of Davey, my family had helped me move, I was having everyone over for an open house...no one knew I hadn't slept for many many nights. My ex-husband had left me about 10 days prior. I don't think I'd slept since he'd left. I was manic. I didn't even know the word. My family showed up en-mass bless their hearts bringing food to the new apartment and to see Davey and I. Unfortunately my ex had flown back from his home town in Missouri and he also arrived and tried to take him away from me saying there was something wrong with me -- I responded in alarm and with poor judgment -- the hallmark of mania -- I hit him on his arm, with mine. He was a body builder, not a good move. My family interceded and didn't let him "the abandon-er" take the baby...they also assigned my brother to take me to the Emergency Room my arm was swelling up like a cantelope! I was also beside myself. I had finally lost it. Adrenaline or whatever had staved off mania for the 9 previous months couldn't hold it at bay any longer. No longer was I holding it together to care for my sick child. I was the sick one now and needed care. I was taken straight from the ER to a psychiatric ward and it seemed like months before I saw the light of day again. I do know this. Two months in, my family paid me a very sad visit...my son had died under the care of my ex. I would never see him again.

Blogging about having BP for 33 years

This is quite an undertaking! I tried this earlier and chickened out. I have a business and family and many friends quite unaware that I am bi-polar which is quite amazing really I suppose. I just haven't shared it. I didn't want them to think that any little change of mood meant I was about to go manic or depressed or somewhere in between or seem in anyway abnormal I guess. The funny thing is I have a rather nice disposition and am not inclined to swift changes in mood, I just happen to be bi-polar. Which is serious and not to be taken lightly I don't mean to imply that. So many people who have it have terrible problems partly from not taking their medications, I have read and heard. They enjoy the manic highs and don't like to be medicated out of them. I personally hate to be out of control in any way and have always, always taken my meds. So you might think my story is rather boring. No way. This is a frightening and difficult disorder to live with for the person who has it and for the people (like my darling husband) who care for them and love them. There are bumps in the road, most assuredly. I am writing about this in a blog to go somewhat public, not using my business name so I don't google with the rest of me :). I'm going public because I do want to open the discussion and try to dispel the stigmas as much as I possibly can without writing a book about it because I love to blog more that write in a solitary way. I have been trying to write a book for months now and haven't gotten far but I can blog. So let's see where a discussion of this illness/disorder takes us and please feel free to ask questions. I'm not going anywhere.